I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
