I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
