Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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