I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
