Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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