So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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