There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
