All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
