I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
