I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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