All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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