if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And then my night got REAL pukey
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
