Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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