I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
