The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
