Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize