my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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