just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
