It's Friday. Sex?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
