when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
