Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
