I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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