did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
