i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
