I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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