Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think i have two assholes
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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