update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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