I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
