i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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