Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
