Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
