my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
