i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
