On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
