Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
