Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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