I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Less talking, more tequila
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
