why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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