he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
