idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
