I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
