I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
