I cockslap morals
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
