Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
