I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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