saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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