Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
