I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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