if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
