I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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