Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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