WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
