Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
