opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
