I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
