yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you never un-have a 4some
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
