Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
