i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
